Spoiled Children: What Parents Have to do Differently

How can we teach our children to appreciate things more. Here are some simple strategies that will really work.

From time to time parents ask themselves if they have spoiled their children too much. Especially when they don’t say “thank you”, take gifts and surprises almost for granted and demand more and more. Yes, that happens from time to time. And of course no child is born like that. So we must be doing something wrong.

Reward or bribe

There are parents who promise iPads or a mobile phone for great grades, and each of us has already promised sweets for good behaviour in the supermarket. Bribery and real rewards are sometimes very close together. There is no contradiction in spoiling your child and still giving him or her gratitude and humility.

The small difference

If we bribe children with sweets and the like, we do it in advance to influence their behavior. On the other hand, there is a reward, and preferably without prior notice, for the recognition of good behavior. Experts advise, however, that the children should first appreciate and feel the value of the right behavior or the goal they have achieved, before it is covered with a gift.

Educational loss of control

If we use phrases like “if you do this, you can have that” too often, we have relinquished control over our upbringing and role model function. The child tells the story and we parents literally pay the price by promising sweets and toys for appropriate behaviour. The child will then only do it because of this. And not out of insight or a learning process and understanding that shopping is part of life and that even small people sometimes have to exercise patience. Without distractions, like the video film on the tablet at breakfast, brushing teeth or driving (short distances, we think). So children cannot learn to recognize and control their true needs, do things not for the cause in itself but for false “reward” and always want more.

Manipulation instead of autonomy

Children learn how to manipulate others and have problems with rules because they themselves are heteronomous. And that, according to Alfie Kohn (author and education expert), destroys one’s own motivation for a thing or behaviour that lies within us: “Do rewards motivate? Yes, they motivate you to get more rewards!”

Influence through example instead of control

Anyone who is now wondering whether our relationship, on the whole, is not made up of influence, is not so wrong. But there is a world of difference between influencing and controlling.

Raising children without bribery and material benefits

These tips help parents from the bribery and punishment spiral and children to value things and to act correctly on their own motivation.

• Please do not reward performance. A good result is reward enough! Children have to learn to feel their own joy about the thing in itself. To be with themselves. And not be distracted by the reward.
• When we value our children, they learn to be grateful and appreciative.
• Think of non-material appreciation: a pillow fight, a picnic, a great letter to them.
• Gifted time, not gifts: There is nothing children want more than to spend time with their parents! Take your appointments as seriously as a meeting for work: mark them on the calendar and don’t be late or distracted by your cell phone.
• Try to avoid the phrase “if … then”!
• If your child has done something great, point out the great consequences: “Nice that you finished brushing your teeth and putting on your pyjamas so quickly after all. Now we get to read two stories.” And explains how happy this makes you: “Thanks for being so patient and helpful with the shopping. So today we’ve done it all and have enough for all of us back home.”

If one or the other trick replaces naturalized behavior, we are well on the way to not having spoiled, but appreciative children. And not to give up our upbringing. Because “children are not tyrants, and they do not become helicopter children or little princesses just because we show them love and understanding!” (Quote: Alfie Kohn, book “The Myth of the Spoiled Child”)