How to Deal With A Narcissist
Me, me, me. Narcissists believe the world revolves around them. Tips on how best to deal with egomaniacs…
Self-confidence strengthens the psyche
“Many characteristics that people like to call narcissistic today are quite healthy,” explains the head physician for psychiatry at the Asklepios-Klinikum Nord in Hamburg. So self-confidence makes psychologically stable. Those who tend to blame others for their failures are better able to cope with setbacks. Some people may find such behaviour annoying. “But not everyone who is annoying is also annoying,” says Lammers.
But it is well known that the dose makes the poison – or in this case the psychological defect. The transition to the pathological is fluid. In people with narcissistic personality disorders, self-love grows into ego addiction. The pathological narcissist considers himself great without achieving greatness. His inner being is filled with fantasies of boundless success, power and beauty. Yet empathy is completely foreign to him. The people around him serve one purpose above all: to reflect to him how magnificent he is.
But psychologists also know the narcissist in sheep’s clothing. This covert, vulnerable guy appears modest and insecure. Inwardly he also lives under the delusion of being unique and outstanding.
Narcissism is a mask
In general, narcissists do not have the same emotional world and self-image. No matter whether they openly present their gigantic ego to the outside world or secretly celebrate it – behind it are wounded children’s souls hungry for recognition. “Narcissism is a mask,” says expert Lammers. The fantasies of magnificence are intended to cement inner ruptures, just like the confirmation that the narcissist craves.
So there’s one thing he can’t stand: criticism. As passionate as he devaluates others, he is himself sensitive. If someone stabs his bloated ego, he bursts. The superficial charm gives way to aggression and malice. Anyone who is dealing with a highly narcissistic person will feel this. For example, in the workplace.
Packing criticism well
Professor Rainer Sachse, head of the Institute for Psychological Psychotherapy in Bochum, has been intensively studying how to get along with such bosses and colleagues. A tip if you want to express criticism: feed the narcissist. And do it with praise and recognition. One could not apply thick enough. “A narcissist is never satisfied,” says Sachse. And mistakes that you want to address should be presented as small oversights.
If you are still the victim of an outburst of anger, it helps to remain calm and say to yourself: “I am not meant personally. He can’t help himself.” After all, the arrogance of a high-handed boss is just a facade. The greater the self-doubt, the greater the need to beat others up. The general recipe for dealing with a narcissist is acceptance. To change him, to make him understand, to make contact – all pointless attempts.
Narcissists have trouble with relationships
Almost needless to say that a narcissist is not the ideal bosom friend. Real closeness scares him, relationships remain superficial – also because others quickly distance themselves. Professor Mitja Back, psychologist at the University of Münster, has investigated how narcissists work: They go down well with fleeting acquaintances, appearing witty, charming, dazzling. But the sympathy soon gives way to rejection.
Nevertheless, psychotherapist Sachse does not want the narcissist to be lost in the matter of friendship – at least not if he is not seriously disturbed. “These are partly interesting, humorous people,” the expert emphasizes. But you shouldn’t work in the same profession to avoid cockfights. It is also important to set clear boundaries from the very beginning. Otherwise the narcissist will suck you dry. Emotional exploitation is also the biggest problem in a partnership with a narcissist. Nevertheless, such a relationship can remain stable for longer – especially if the other partner clings insecurely to the narcissist and thus constantly caresses his ego.
Challenge for therapists
But often the day comes when the crouched wife says: “Well, you great pike? From now on you can be great all by yourself.” Then it’s not uncommon for the narcissist to slip into a crisis. Failure to do so results in a loss of self-esteem, a black hole lurking. Some escape into addiction or even commit suicide.
In such a situation, even an egomaniac sometimes ends up in the office of a psychologist. But not to be cured of his narcissism. For the therapist, this patient is a challenge. “Some try confrontation,” says psychiatrist Lammers. But the sensitive ego cannot bear it. It is soon clear to the narcissist: the therapist is no good.
But according to Lammers’ many years of experience, treatment can be successful if the therapist succeeds in establishing closeness. This can only be achieved through sympathy. “You have to like narcissists,” says the psychiatrist. Once you’ve learned to see the vulnerability behind the mask, you’ll be able to do so. Once the narcissist has gained confidence, he too can learn – for example, about his true needs. After all, he too wants to be liked and accepted. Even if he’s not doing anything great.