How Do I Deal with a Difficult Person?

Of course, it would be easiest if the other person would finally change. But he doesn’t. But if you know yourself better, you can defuse many conflicts.

Narcissists or perfectionists – these are indeed people with whom it is objectively difficult to get along. But most of the difficulties in dealing with each other are more a result of the dynamics of the relationship. “Just think of someone you find difficult and a typical situation with that person,” says communications expert Karen Zoller. “The core problem is usually the same: you feel coerced or circumscribed in your dealings with the person, and this triggers a feeling of distress. And because we don’t like that, we quickly classify the other person as difficult.”

That’s why it makes sense to first look at where in your personality you get stuck with the other person. “In most cases, it’s about the same four basic needs that control people: namely the poles of closeness and distance as well as structure and change,” says Zoller. “And when people with different needs meet, things quickly become difficult.” It is a relief to know that others are simply different and that their behaviour does not always mean personal rejection. This makes it easier to show consideration. “Those who know themselves better and know what makes the other person tick are also able to represent their personal pain threshold more courageously. Because the new clarity can also lead to this: That I consciously decide to distance myself from that person.

Exercise: Need Check

The following questions will help you to identify your own needs and to assess whether people you find difficult may be at the opposite pole. First of all, spontaneously choose the answer that best applies to yourself.

You inherit some money. What will you do with that amount of money?

A: I pay this into my pension scheme. For later.

B: First thing I’m gonna do is take a spontaneous vacation or something really nice.

C: I’m going to buy something for the whole family. A new, comfortable sofa, for example, would be nice for everyone.

D: I don’t know yet. In any case, I don’t talk about it too much so that no one can get into my head.

Stress wears on your nerves. How do you find peace again?

A: I clean my apartment. Outer order sorts me also internally.

B: I distract myself. When I am dancing or sitting in the cinema, I can wonderfully switch off from everything.

C: I look for a nice person to help me express myself properly. Afterwards I feel better.

D: I go for a walk in the woods. When I’m alone, I can sort out thoughts and feelings best.

What should a really relaxing holiday look like for you?

A: Hiking or a bicycle tour! Of course I prefer to go with someone I already know very well.

B: I like it when a journey is as diverse as possible. Something like two days on the beach, one day sightseeing in the city and then a safari.

C: A nice holiday flat where you spend the holiday weeks together with friends or family and have a lot of time for each other. That is great.

D: I like quiet places. Sailing or travelling in the off-season. It’s relaxing for me when I don’t have anyone around me.

What kind of friendships are especially important to you?

A: To meet my longtime girlfriends. This is a celebration! I organize it regularly.

B: I love to meet new people all the time. At parties or just because you are waiting for the same bus. Many a chance acquaintance finally became a friend.

C: A lot of what I do, I prefer to do with friends. They help with the move, we go to the sports together.

D: I think it’s great that I have one or two friends I can really rely on. Even though we don’t see each other that often, they are very close to me.

EVALUATION

The more times you check a certain letter, the closer you are to one of these four need poles:

A: Structure

You love stability, planning and a certain order in things and feelings. Others regard you as reliable, loyal and thorough. On the other hand, you find everything that is ambiguous, superficial or unforeseen annoying.

B: Change

Colourful, new, exciting – these are the things you like. You blossom when speed and life determine the day. You’re sensitive to the fact that someone demands routine or thoroughness from you.

C: Proximity

Togetherness is very important to you. Friends, family, a good team. You are helpful, sensitive and interested in others. You find it difficult when others withdraw from you or do not respond to your relationship offers at all.

D: Distance

You like inner independence as much as time alone with yourself. And you value honesty. You are allergic to people who treat you with disrespect and who constantly demand closeness and relationship gestures from you.

Now think about a person you find difficult and answer the questions again as you think they would.

Presumably, the evaluation results in a completely different structure of needs. With this knowledge go through your last conflicts again. Could it be that your counterpart did not want to annoy or hurt you at all, but only acted according to your own needs? Use this new point of view to clarify how you want to shape your future relationship with each other.

You have three possibilities:

• Bridge: If the relationship is important to you, you should try to understand the deeper motives of the other. To do this, you have to work intensively with the other person. You only want to do that with people who are really close to you. And: Don’t waste energy on wanting to change the other person. It is in vain. Others, just like you, have their reasons to be the way they are.
• Cheese dome: Try to communicate only on the factual level. However, you will have to be able to resist sharp remarks or advances from the other person. The cheese dome is often a good solution for dealing with annoying colleagues, landlords or neighbours. If you want the other person to refrain from taking any action – for example, loud phone calls in the office – you can of course demand that they do so. But don’t expect the other person to agree with you and realize that they are “objectively” talking too loud on the phone.
• Barrier: If you decide to break off contact, you have to be consistent and inform others, for example: “When my ex-husband comes, I’m not there.” Also keep your distance emotionally, because the more you are angry with the other person, the more your attention ends up where you cannot change anything – a constant and growing source of frustration.