Empty Nest Syndrome: It’s All So Quiet

On the one hand, we do everything we can to ensure that our children grow up and become independent. On the other hand, it hits us like a punch in the gut when they move out. Psychologists call this Empty Nest Syndrome. And we explain why so many mothers suffer from it.

The room is suddenly always empty. When setting the table, we take one plate too many out of the cupboard every time out of habit. Suddenly there are so few shoes at the door. And somehow everything is so quiet…

When a child moves out, it is often difficult for the parents. Many of them have a crisis of meaning. And it is so normal and natural that there is a term for it in psychology: Empty Nest Syndrome.

What does empty nest syndrome mean?

Empty Nest Syndrome primarily refers to feelings that mothers and fathers typically feel when a child moves out or shortly after moving out: Grief, loneliness, abandonment, emptiness, discord, pain. Reasonable consolation à la “that’s exactly why you lovingly cared for your child for 20 years” usually doesn’t help much: The Empty Nest Syndrome is not a rational dilemma, but an emotional one.

Whoever expects parents in this situation to have a lively start to their journey of self-discovery and joy over their regained freedom instead of sadness (which unfortunately applies to more people than one should assume) is probably in the midst of a crisis of his or her own … 🤔

Why do so many parents have empty nest syndrome?

When a daughter or son flies and moves out of the parental home, several things come together that can plunge the abandoned in particular into a crisis of meaning and burden – mothers often more than fathers.

• The end of a phase of life: It is not easy to let go when the child enters a day care centre, school or upper school. And even when we ourselves finish school, finish our education and move out, it can be quite a strain. The end of every era makes us realise just how fleeting and transitory our lives are. Only then, in most cases, a new phase comes along, which quickly brings us happy experiences again and distracts us from this realization. When our children have moved out, something new comes for them – but we remain in our familiar surroundings, in which something significant is now missing.
• Change: Give up old habits, allow new ones, say goodbye to cherished rituals and replace them with others with a heavy heart. This is always more strenuous than not changing anything. When a member of the household is absent (and a child is often the most important one), suddenly everything is different – and this in the private retreat where we should feel most comfortable.
• To be left: … by the most loved person in the world. Even if it is something natural and we always knew that our children would one day go their own way – it just feels like being abandoned, because they go away and we stay behind.

• Concern: Of course we are worried about how our chick is doing in the big wide world. Even if it’s a 20-year-old man who solves PC problems for us, repairs cabinets and gets the car out of the garage. Up to now we have been able to protect our child and exert influence, but now he has to take responsibility for his own life – while we hope to have prepared him sufficiently … (although we are not out of the world, of course – the call with the question how to make potato pancakes or where to get a social security number will surely come …)
• The loss of a purpose in life: Granted, our children, even while living with us, have always been more independent. They go on holiday alone, perhaps earn their own money and probably don’t take up much of our time. But as long as they are at home, they are simply present in our lives, have a fixed place in them and thus also take up space in our lives. When they leave, that space suddenly becomes free – and that feels like emptiness.

What is often added to this for women is that for many of them, the departure of their children also falls during the menopause. If this is the case, they have twice the burden (or aggravated …), because coping with the menopause is usually also more on the agenda than a hormonal change. 😓

How can I overcome Empty Nest Syndrome?

Don’t worry, getting rid of such syndromes is always very easy: Allow all feelings, don’t force anything, mourn in peace, talk about it if necessary and continue cautiously at your own pace. Seriously: The most important thing is not to feel bad for our feelings! Some people would like to turn the vacated children’s room into a home cinema immediately, others cannot go to it for months. But neither are some people bad mothers because of this nor are others weak people.

For most parents it actually becomes easier with time and they get used to the changed situation. They develop a new purpose in life, new routines and the relationship with the undressed child is established. Especially mothers and daughters often come closer to each other after such an move out and find a friendly (but of course very special) relationship. Rituals like daily phone calls or chatting help and do both of them good!

What else might be a good idea for some during the phase of the acute Empty Nest Syndrome, you can see in the video: Five suggestions to fight loneliness.

And last but not least a thought that should comfort us a bit in our Empty Nest: An empty nest means that there is someone who wants to fly. That takes courage. And that is the courage that one of us has. 💁

Attention: If you have the feeling that you cannot cope with your grief alone, you should find out whether there is a suitable self-help group nearby. In extreme cases, the Empty Nest Syndrome can develop into depression – and then professional help in the form of individual therapy is appropriate.