Why You Shouldn’t Force Your Child to Apologize
If your child does something naughty, you ask him / her to apologize? Unfortunately, as experts have now discovered, this can backfire. Which is a better solution.
Children can very well judge whether an apology comes from the heart or not. No wonder, then, what experts have now discovered: a forced apology can do more harm than good to a child.
Do not force an apology
Researchers at the University of Michigan report a study with children between four and nine years of age.
The frightening result: a child who was forced to apologize (without wanting to do so himself) develops an even greater rejection towards the child to whom he should apologize. Moreover, children who have been forced to apologize feel bad about it themselves.
The reason for this is that the sense of apologizing – i.e. showing remorse and getting along – is lost through the compulsion. Nor does the child learn to develop real understanding for the injured child – he may have difficulty in being compassionate later on.
On the other hand, the injured child also notices that the apology was not meant seriously. As a result, the child who only apologizes “dishonestly” will be less liked.
The right time is crucial
The more effective solution according to researchers: Allowing the child time to see the wrongdoing for himself and developing empathy with the injured child is more sustainable. “First make sure that your child understands why his or her behaviour was wrong, first make sure that the child wants to apologise for itself. Only then is the right time to suggest that the child apologize,” advises Craig Smith, author of the study at the University’s Center for Human Growth and Development.
The best way to explain to your child why he or she did wrong and that it hurt the other child, the expert advisor says. And: Especially with children it does not always have to be a verbal apology. Even an action – such as an invitation to play together – can smooth the waves between two children. “Sometimes it can do more than words,” explains Smith.