What Makes A Man Fall Deeply in Love with A Woman?

What makes a man fall in love with a woman? What does a man like about a woman in the long run? We convey a logical view that also draws on psychology.

Psychologically what do men fall in love with?

A man is first affected by the visual, then falls in love with a woman who makes him feel incomplete. What does it mean to feel deficient? Lacan explained this very well in his time, let’s go over it briefly.

Feeling lacking is at the unconscious level. Since the first woman he meets is his mother, and in the pre-operational period, which we call “mirroring” in psychoanalysis and Piaget mentions in cognitive psychology, the person remains egocentric until the age of 4-5. So until this period there is only himself, interestingly Freud called it the 1st narcissistic stage in the early 1900s. It is the “mother” that allows to get out of this period. The mother is especially important in men, because for the man she is the opposite sex. For the first time, the man experiences the feelings of possession and loss. He realizes that he is not the most special, the only being, he realizes that his wishes are not fulfilled every time he cries. It gradually separates from the mother. Although Freud impulsively connects him to the father with the oedipus complex, it is difficult for the child to break the bond from the mother without the father in developmental psychology. In fact, if the process develops incorrectly, personality disorders may develop. For example, the distorted psychology of people who kill themselves because addicted characters have lost their love is shaped in this period.

If a man sees a similar interaction in a woman he likes visually, he experiences a psychoanalytic subconscious mechanism and a trigger in the main learned table (schemas) that we call “main belief” in terms of cognitive psychology and falls in love. What is in these diagrams? “Devotion to the mother”, “jealousy”, “possession”… all these together, it is in love.

Interestingly, in ancient greece it was said to be caused by cupids. You would fall in love because God wanted it, you wouldn’t be if he didn’t want it, and when God wanted bad fate, he would keep you in a cruel love, and you would be damned and wasted your life by never being able to get out of this cycle.

So how does it ensure continuity?

Transportation to this person is effective. The fear of losing should continue even after reaching it.

Since the majority of women are submissive when they fall in love, they cannot maintain their fear of losing, they can devote themselves completely to that man. In this case, the compassion that freud spoke about comes into play. He begins to feel compassion for the woman he was lusting after at first, which causes him to seek desire outside again. Because, according to Freud, lust and compassion conflict with each other after the oedipal period. From the Lacanian point of view, if we reach out and make love immediately, we will place it at a level in the evaluation of desire, that is, it has been achieved. If we have rated something, we look for someone with a higher score than it, and it ceases to be objet petit a, which Lacan speaks of, meaning “that special, indispensable”. In the schemas in cognitive psychology, the “possession” may be devalued.

Finally, let’s see what Lacan says about love

“Love is giving to others what we don’t have.” Because that person does not know the source of the love he gives. He feels an emptiness. This is the source of desire. You can’t fall in love if you are lacking. For this reason, confessing your love to someone actually means “I am lacking and I know you will fill it”, but it does not mean that the person will fulfill your request.