7 Ways to Tame Your Kid’s Tantrums

No mother, no father can get past it: a tantrum of the oh so sweet offspring. There is screaming, hitting, crying – mostly for no apparent reason. What to do in this dilemma?

The sandwich is not in the right shape, the milk is not white enough, the cookie is not as crispy as usual. For many small children these are reasons for an outburst of anger. They rage, beat around the house, cry at the top of their lungs. And the parents? They feel helpless and at the mercy of their pet’s tantrum.

What do they do when the kid snaps? Rule number one: Don’t panic. (Almost) every child goes through the defiant phase. As a parent, you are not “to blame” for this and have not done anything wrong. Now it is time to take a deep breath. Especially between the ages of two and four, tantrums are part and parcel of your child’s development.

Why is my child throwing a tantrum?

Little children gradually notice that they are independent beings. As soon as that is the case, they begin to cut the cord, test their limits. Unfortunately, at the same time they are not yet able to express this need verbally. The result: misunderstandings between children and parents and the child’s desperate outburst of anger – form of his need to communicate.

What the child needs most right now is security. He or she needs to feel loved even if he or she has a different opinion than his or her parents or siblings. Parents should always remember that the outburst of anger is not directed against them personally. The outburst of anger only serves the child as a means of communication because he or she lacks the right words.

Here it is important to face the child with understanding. The child does not throw the new sneakers through the room out of spite – but probably because the tying up of the shoes failed. Between the ages of two and four, children want to take more and more things into their own hands, to overcome challenges on their own. If they don’t manage it, they are disappointed, frustrated, angry at God and the world.

Comforting, waiting, taking the child seriously

What to do in this situation? Correct: comfort the child, wait until it calms down – and then try tying the shoe again together with the child. Accompanied by motivating words about how well the child is now getting on, the mood will certainly brighten up again – for the child as well as for mum and / or dad.

But what happens in situations such as the nagging child in the supermarket, who absolutely wants to have the sweets he has been forbidden? With every “no” it starts to rage and scream more violently. What to do? Experts advise against giving in. Parents should be consistent in such cases, otherwise they run the risk that their child will learn to reach his or her goal successfully with such a tantrum.

But what is the best way to react to a child’s tantrum? The best expert tips at a glance:

• The best reaction to anger: Serenity! Stay relaxed, demonstrate calm and wait patiently – this is the best way to deal with defiance. In concrete terms, this means: If the child throws a tantrum in public, you should go with him/her to a quieter room. This alone helps the child to calm down.
• Take the child’s feelings seriously. To dismiss it as “nonsensical” or “illogical” would be a gross error. Every emotion has its justification, no matter what age. Very important: After a tantrum, the child’s need for affection is strongest. Give him the attention and love he needs now.
• Set clear rules! Every child needs rules that make living together easier. It is better to set up less clear rules than many. But the few prohibitions should then be consistently observed. Short, concise and easily understandable formulations are better than long lectures.

• When the child starts to hit, kick and get physical, there is only one thing that helps: A loud “no”, look him in the eyes and hold his arms. It’s important for parents to know that punches and kicks should never be taken personally. Always remember that a tantrum is a kind of exceptional situation.
• Give the child independence and it will not whine! In fact, in the supermarket, for example, it helps to give the child a task (e.g. ask him to put the item from the shopping cart on the checkout belt) to distract him from the sweets at the edge. Children want to be active and take part in their parents’ everyday life.
• Get your child used to an upcoming change. That means: When the child is playing in the playground, don’t stop the playtime abruptly, but say 15 minutes before: “We’re leaving in 15 minutes.” Then again when there’s 10 minutes left, and again when there’s five minutes left. That way the child is not caught off guard by the change. Important: When the 15 minutes are up, you should consequently start with the child.
• Always remember that both the child’s defiant reaction and his own arising anger are natural feelings. Conflicts are part of life – between young and old, big and small. What you should avoid at all costs: devaluing the child, threatening him, turning away from him or being resentful. It is better to see the conflict as an opportunity to teach the child how to compromise.

Tantrum while playing

By the way: If the child has a tantrum while playing, for example because he loses, the same rule applies: stay calm! It is normal. The child must first learn to develop frustration tolerance. The absolutely wrong approach would be to let the child win. This only deprives him of the ability to develop his ability to deal with frustration.

“My child was never in a defiance phase. I was spared!” Are you familiar with that? Unfortunately there is no reason to be happy. Children who skip the toddler defiance phase often go through the attempt to replace the child at school all the more violently. At the latest now they want to be independent and free – but at the same time they want to be protected by their parents. Here too it is important to have strong nerves and to breathe deeply again and again …